I have felt my entire life like I was hiding a deep dark secret that no one should ever know! I was scared someone would eventually find out, I would hide inside myself and put all the pretty thoughts inside a brick box buried deep,deep inside my mind.When I was 4years old I remember our family moving to Montana because of Dad's Air Force career. I met my first friend after being there about a week, a little boy about my age. Before I can remember telling him my male name, we were talking about playing a game where I would be a girl and he would be a boy. I still don't know what I wanted to play, but quickly insisted he call me Sarah. I felt so right when I said it, something in me opened up. I felt so free,light and alive! I don't remember much after that except that we decided to dig a hole..lol..I have no idea why.. 30ish years later I have finally recaptured that free spirit and feel more alive than ever!
I often watch TV specials about Transgender people and more and more I see children expressing Gender Identity opposite the gender they were born. I have seen in a few cases that the children were allowed to express themselves openly with out punishment or shame. It fills me with pride to watch parents be soo open minded and supportive of their child. I feel proud of the children for standing firm and not relenting that they are Transgender because of their heart! I can't even begin to imagine how life would have turned out had I been in a situation like this.
Like most of us who say we are Transgender I waited until it was almost to late to begin transition. I am now 15 months into my transition and all though compared to my life span that's a very short time frame, I feel like this is now finally MY life and can't understand sometimes why I waited soo long to accept and stand up for who I am! The road to acceptance wasn't easy for me. I hated myself for always having the feeling that I wasn't male like the other males I knew. I always felt like the I would grow up to be the woman I am today! My youth was filled with punishment, and shame for expressing a desire to be female.My teens and twenty's were filled with a secret pain and I could never share with anyone! In my 30's I slowly began to acquire a strength in myself and an openness to what I thought was a fetish that had hold of me and wouldn't let up, no matter how hard I fought! I finally decided it was time to share my deepest darkest secret I swore I would take to my grave; that I felt like I had to become female! My life changed forever after that moment and today although I am not 100% to my ultimate goal of living all of my life as the woman I've always known I've been, I'm at peace with who I am and happier than I could have imagined! I know my family is never going to accept me as I am now, and that hurts most of all, but I won't return to living a life that felt false!
I would not change anything about my transition except for my lack of planning. I was warned that not having a solid plan to go full time would hurt me. I was naive and really did think I could just go on living 2 lives and be OK until I could create a solid plan. I was way way off on that; living as two people with two completely separate personalities and lives was impossible! I work in a macho pseudo- military job, and know matter how much I try to combine the two lives I am only met with harassment,prejudice,discipline and ignorance as to the severity of what I am living through. I can not expect them to be sensitive, their justification is they hired someone and expect that person to show up for work each day. I feel trapped and want to get away, and I am slowly putting my plan together so I can finally be who I am now and forever and not have to go back to a false shell of a life!
The moral of the story is if you want to live as yourself be prepared! Plan Plan Plan..
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
New Year!
WOW!! 2012.. Can't hardly believe it's already here, I have soo much to look forward to this year and waaay to much to do, but before I get into it a little recap.. 2011.. Jan 11th I made my appointment to see my endocrinologist in Atlanta and began hormone replacement on Jan 14th! I've enjoyed a lot of success as far as the changes hormones have had on me. I've also been though a lot of dating and self discovery through the process of dating! I'm soo fortunate to have a BF that is understanding and sensitive to my transition!
Ok wow 2012, I have a lot to accomplish, New Life as myself!! meaning Legal name change, new job, new apartment, and maybe a new city! I'm working on a business idea an trying to find help doing some computer programming. If I am able to find some success with the business then that will be my job! I'm not counting on it, just trying to have it as plan A and keep living in plan B until then..
I have several new projects including attempting to make money blogging, truthfully I just don't know if I understand it! I also am trying to be a supportive GF and help my BF with his projects as well. We are learning more and more about each other and while sometimes we may fight, a lot of that has to do with selfishness on my end. I like what I like and I don't share a lot of his interest or hobbies.
I am a busy little bee this year soo I'll try to behave and not get over stressed and become a mega B!
Well enough rambling for now I hope you all check out my new YouTube video and soon I will post a few scary pix of my journey,I just don't know if i am brave enough to show the pix of me looking like my EVIL twin brother..lol
Ok wow 2012, I have a lot to accomplish, New Life as myself!! meaning Legal name change, new job, new apartment, and maybe a new city! I'm working on a business idea an trying to find help doing some computer programming. If I am able to find some success with the business then that will be my job! I'm not counting on it, just trying to have it as plan A and keep living in plan B until then..
I have several new projects including attempting to make money blogging, truthfully I just don't know if I understand it! I also am trying to be a supportive GF and help my BF with his projects as well. We are learning more and more about each other and while sometimes we may fight, a lot of that has to do with selfishness on my end. I like what I like and I don't share a lot of his interest or hobbies.
I am a busy little bee this year soo I'll try to behave and not get over stressed and become a mega B!
Well enough rambling for now I hope you all check out my new YouTube video and soon I will post a few scary pix of my journey,I just don't know if i am brave enough to show the pix of me looking like my EVIL twin brother..lol
Monday, December 12, 2011
12/7/11 Just a quickie
I am getting close to me one year anniversary of HRT!! It has been a year filled with ups and downs but mostly UP=) ! I feel amazing and have not had a single regret.. I only wish I could have started a job that was less strict about appearance! I accomplished a lot in my personal life, not so much in my professional life but that is next! I started Jan 14,2011 last years, this years New Years Resolution was start HRT, gain confidence in myself as newly re-born Woman and date more! This is the first time in my life I actually accomplished all I set out to do! What an amazing feeling, being able to actually have control over your life and live for yourself! Soooo liberating.. I am ready to tackle 2012 with a new set of lofty near impossible New Years Goals! Get a new job,apartment,legally change my name and get a new Drivers License!!
I can't wait until the end of this month! I am going on a Romantic Southern Vacation with my BF..yay!! Headed to one of Yahoo's top vacation spots in the cold temps..Should be a blast filled with a romantic historic and even famous town! We plan to sight see quite a bit and even roam the hundreds of year old Grave Yards to both visit some of the historic leaders of the past and catch a ghost on camera! I hope we get to celebrate New Years lying on the beach watching the fireworks show! Then a short trip back to a Romantic hotel and the right way to ring in the New Year, spending time with the on you love the most! Well I will update after the trip!! B jealous..j/k ;)
**HAPPY NEW YEAR**
I can't wait until the end of this month! I am going on a Romantic Southern Vacation with my BF..yay!! Headed to one of Yahoo's top vacation spots in the cold temps..Should be a blast filled with a romantic historic and even famous town! We plan to sight see quite a bit and even roam the hundreds of year old Grave Yards to both visit some of the historic leaders of the past and catch a ghost on camera! I hope we get to celebrate New Years lying on the beach watching the fireworks show! Then a short trip back to a Romantic hotel and the right way to ring in the New Year, spending time with the on you love the most! Well I will update after the trip!! B jealous..j/k ;)
**HAPPY NEW YEAR**
Friday, November 4, 2011
A Brief History
Hi, Today I decided to finally create a blog! Yay!! I hope you find something interesting about me and my life as a Transgender Woman.
I guess I should start with a little story about the beginning, when I realized I was TG. I don't know the exact period in my life but I remember as early as age 3 dressing as a girl, my sisters and I would play dress up and I would love it! I would get the frilly cute dresses and we would have tea parties and have cakes in the EasyBake oven, it was soo fun it always was the most enjoyable times to me! I remember that after moving to a new state by age 4 I met my first new friend, a cute dark hair boy a little shorter than me. I'm really not to sure why but he wanted to play a game where I would be a girl and he would be a boy, nothing sexual we were 4!!lol.. I told him to call me Sarah! We ended up just digging a hole in the back yard..hmmm..IDK about that one.. I just knew that Sarah was the name I should've had. When I got home I was in instant trouble for using Dad's tools with out his permission and got spanked for leaving them out! I was hurt and just decided not to share any more about my day.
Fast forward, buy the time I was a pre-teen I knew I was different than other boys, they always wanted to play football or basketball or soccer and be rough. I hated it,I was usually playing with the females on the swing set or just standing around and talking to the other girls. I sometimes felt awkward that I felt like I wanted to be a girl, even though I was much bigger than they were and usually much bigger than any of the boys. I would get picked on by the guys and then often the girls would pick on me as well and wouldn't want me to hang out with them b/c the boys were always coming over fighting with me. When I was at home my older sisters no longer wanted to treat me like a little sister and began to see me as a male=(. I still had the desire to dress and when I did I felt at peace with myself.
My teen years the desire to feel feminine had increased and tried to take over, each day was a struggle to hide my feeling that i was in the wrong body! I was once again the tallest and biggest person anyone in my HS had seen and was always singled out by coaches and alpha males. I never wanted to be violent or aggressive and tried to use humor to avoid situations that were. I hated the person I saw in the mirror and wanted so much to see the person in my heart when I looked into the mirror. I was angry all the time b/c I had to hide my real feelings. I made friends that were outcasts or picked on for being different. I knew the pain they felt inside!
I was hiding my heart from the whole world,I spent every moment making sure I put a brick wall around my heart so no one could ever see the person I was hiding inside. About four years ago after years of hate toward myself I met a friend, a female. I was determined to prove I had what it took to be a MAN, i was gonna meet with her and I would finally prove I could get rid of the feeling of wanting to be a female, by being with a female. I was unsuccessful, but she and I were laughing about a few impersonations, when I "impersonated" one of my sisters. She stopped laughing and her face looked serious, she said "that was too good" she didn't believe me when I tried to make excuses and cover up. She knew I was female inside my heart and could see it! I was scared but admitted that all my life I had been struggling with a secret; I was a female in my heart.
My beginning: I decided to stop hiding and stop hating myself and came out to friends and family. I began HRT January 14th on 2011 and have been pushing forward since!
I guess I should start with a little story about the beginning, when I realized I was TG. I don't know the exact period in my life but I remember as early as age 3 dressing as a girl, my sisters and I would play dress up and I would love it! I would get the frilly cute dresses and we would have tea parties and have cakes in the EasyBake oven, it was soo fun it always was the most enjoyable times to me! I remember that after moving to a new state by age 4 I met my first new friend, a cute dark hair boy a little shorter than me. I'm really not to sure why but he wanted to play a game where I would be a girl and he would be a boy, nothing sexual we were 4!!lol.. I told him to call me Sarah! We ended up just digging a hole in the back yard..hmmm..IDK about that one.. I just knew that Sarah was the name I should've had. When I got home I was in instant trouble for using Dad's tools with out his permission and got spanked for leaving them out! I was hurt and just decided not to share any more about my day.
Fast forward, buy the time I was a pre-teen I knew I was different than other boys, they always wanted to play football or basketball or soccer and be rough. I hated it,I was usually playing with the females on the swing set or just standing around and talking to the other girls. I sometimes felt awkward that I felt like I wanted to be a girl, even though I was much bigger than they were and usually much bigger than any of the boys. I would get picked on by the guys and then often the girls would pick on me as well and wouldn't want me to hang out with them b/c the boys were always coming over fighting with me. When I was at home my older sisters no longer wanted to treat me like a little sister and began to see me as a male=(. I still had the desire to dress and when I did I felt at peace with myself.
My teen years the desire to feel feminine had increased and tried to take over, each day was a struggle to hide my feeling that i was in the wrong body! I was once again the tallest and biggest person anyone in my HS had seen and was always singled out by coaches and alpha males. I never wanted to be violent or aggressive and tried to use humor to avoid situations that were. I hated the person I saw in the mirror and wanted so much to see the person in my heart when I looked into the mirror. I was angry all the time b/c I had to hide my real feelings. I made friends that were outcasts or picked on for being different. I knew the pain they felt inside!
I was hiding my heart from the whole world,I spent every moment making sure I put a brick wall around my heart so no one could ever see the person I was hiding inside. About four years ago after years of hate toward myself I met a friend, a female. I was determined to prove I had what it took to be a MAN, i was gonna meet with her and I would finally prove I could get rid of the feeling of wanting to be a female, by being with a female. I was unsuccessful, but she and I were laughing about a few impersonations, when I "impersonated" one of my sisters. She stopped laughing and her face looked serious, she said "that was too good" she didn't believe me when I tried to make excuses and cover up. She knew I was female inside my heart and could see it! I was scared but admitted that all my life I had been struggling with a secret; I was a female in my heart.
My beginning: I decided to stop hiding and stop hating myself and came out to friends and family. I began HRT January 14th on 2011 and have been pushing forward since!
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