Acceptance

I have felt my entire life like I was hiding a deep dark secret that no one should ever know! I was scared someone would eventually find out, I would hide inside myself and put all the pretty thoughts inside a brick box buried deep,deep inside my mind.When I was 4years old I remember our family moving to Montana because of Dad's Air Force career. I met my first friend after being there about a week, a little boy about my age. Before I can remember telling him my male name, we were talking about playing a game where I would be a girl and he would be a boy. I still don't know what I wanted to play, but quickly insisted he call me Sarah. I felt so right when I said it, something in me opened up. I felt so free,light and alive! I don't remember much after that except that we decided to dig a hole..lol..I have no idea why.. 30ish years later I have finally recaptured that free spirit and feel more alive than ever!

I often watch TV specials about Transgender people and more and more I see children expressing Gender Identity opposite the gender they were born. I have seen in a few cases that the children were allowed to express themselves openly with out punishment or shame. It fills me with pride to watch parents be soo open minded and supportive of their child. I feel proud of the children for standing firm and not relenting that they are Transgender because of their heart! I can't even begin to imagine how life would have turned out had I been in a situation like this.

Like most of us who say we are Transgender I waited until it was almost to late to begin transition. I am now 15 months into my transition and all though compared to my life span that's a very short time frame, I feel like this is now finally MY life and can't understand sometimes why I waited soo long to accept and stand up for who I am! The road to acceptance wasn't easy for me. I hated myself for always having the feeling that I wasn't male like the other males I knew. I always felt like the I would grow up to be the woman I am today! My youth was filled with punishment, and shame for expressing a desire to be female.My teens and twenty's were filled with a secret pain and I could never share with anyone! In my 30's I slowly began to acquire a strength in myself and an openness to what I thought was a fetish that had hold of me and wouldn't let up, no matter how hard I fought! I  finally decided it was time to share my deepest darkest secret I swore I would take to my grave; that I felt like I had to become female! My life changed forever after that moment and today although I am not 100% to my ultimate goal of living all of my life as the woman I've always known I've been, I'm at peace with who I am and happier than I could have imagined! I know my family is never going to accept me as I am now, and that hurts most of all, but I won't return to living a life that felt false!

I would not change anything about my transition except for my lack of planning. I was warned that not having a solid plan to go full time would hurt me. I was naive and really did think I could just go on living 2 lives and be OK until I could create a solid plan. I was way way off on that; living as two people with two completely separate personalities and lives was impossible! I work in a macho pseudo- military job, and know matter how much I try to combine the two lives I am only met with harassment,prejudice,discipline and ignorance as to the severity of what I am living through. I can not expect them to be sensitive, their justification is they hired someone and expect that person to show up for work each day. I feel trapped and want to get away, and I am slowly putting my plan together so I can finally be who I am now and forever and not have to go back to a false shell of a life!

The moral of the story is if you want to live as yourself be prepared! Plan Plan Plan..

New Year!

WOW!! 2012.. Can't hardly believe it's already here, I have soo much to look forward to this year and waaay to much to do, but before I get into it a little recap.. 2011.. Jan 11th I made my appointment to see my endocrinologist in Atlanta and began hormone replacement on Jan 14th! I've enjoyed a lot of success as far as the changes hormones have had on me. I've also been though a lot of dating and self discovery through the process of dating! I'm soo fortunate to have a BF that is understanding and sensitive to my transition!

Ok wow 2012, I have a lot to accomplish, New Life as myself!! meaning Legal name change, new job, new apartment, and maybe a new city! I'm working on a business idea an trying to find help doing some computer programming. If I am able to find some success with the business then that will be my job! I'm not counting on it, just trying to have it as plan A and keep living in plan B until then..

I have several new projects including attempting to make money blogging, truthfully I just don't know if I understand it! I also am trying to be a supportive GF and help my BF with his projects as well. We are learning more and more about each other and while sometimes we may fight, a lot of that has to do with selfishness on my end. I like what I like and I don't share a lot of his interest or hobbies.

I am a busy little bee this year soo I'll try to behave and not get over stressed and become a mega B!
Well enough rambling for now I hope you all check out my new YouTube video and soon I will post a few scary pix of my journey,I just don't know if i am brave enough to show the pix of me looking like my EVIL twin brother..lol